This story was originally published in the anthology, So Long, and Thanks for all The Brains under the title, The Z Word.
Love in the Age of Zom-boys
Welcome to Newslines. Tonight, we continue our week long examination of the zombie plague and its effects on the world around us. This time we’re discussing the growing phenomenon of women who’ve taken zombies into their lives, and in some cases, their beds.
Joining me in the studio are Marcus Worthing, Professor of Anthropology at the University of Washington.
“Good evening.”
Anne Thomas, prominent zombie rights activist and author of “Zombies: Someone You Knew?”
“Good evening, Simon.”
And Mrs Constance Green, spokesperson for Mothers Against Zombies.
“Hello.”
And in our London Studio we have Elizabeth and her zombie partner, Daniel. Elizabeth, let’s start with you if we may? How long have you and Daniel been together?
“Hello, Simon. Thank you for having me on the programme. We’ve been together just over three months.”
And how did you meet?
“I met Daniel at the London Z-Bar. A friend of mine had been there and found a Zom-Boy there and suggested I go.”
A Zom-Boy? Is that like a toy-boy?
“Yes, I guess it is.”
So how does it work at a Z-Bar, for people like me who’ve never been to one?
“Well, it’s a lot like any other singles bar but the men – the zombies – are sitting in viewing chambers around the walls. You look at them, read about their background and if you see one you like you can meet them in person. If that goes well you take him home.”
And that’s how you chose Daniel? From a viewing chamber?
“Yes, he was the first one I looked at actually. He’s a zombie hunter, well, used to be.”
Really? A zombie hunter. These are the men that track down escaped zombies.
“Yes, that’s right.”
And now he’s a zombie himself.
“Uh huh, there was an accident and he got bitten.”
I’m sorry to hear that but I guess you’ve benefited from his misfortune.
“I’d like to think we both have.”
Okay, so you’ve been together about three months.
“Yes, that’s right.”
And have you become lovers in that time?
“Yes. Yes, we have.”
How exactly does that work, with a zombie I mean?
“Well Simon, it works the same way it would work with a living man.”
Really?
“Yes, I don’t have anything to worry about in that department.”
That’s a relief, I know the viewers at home will have been wondering about that. I must say, you seem to be very happy with Daniel.
“Yes, I am. We’re both very happy.”
“How can he be happy? He’s a zombie!”
Please wait, Mrs Green, we’ll come to you in a moment. Elizabeth, one question that must be on everyone’s minds, we can see Daniel behind you and he has some sort of…muzzle, I guess you’d call it, but really, is living with a zombie safe?
“You’re talking about his harness, and yes, it’s perfectly safe. He’s weaker than an ordinary man and the harness prevents him from biting me.”
So there’s no danger?
“None at all, he’s perfectly secure.”
Well, I for one hope you’re right.
Professor Worthing, you’re an expert on the zombie infection and were the first to suggest that there might be a link between the early outbreaks and the flu vaccine, what are your thoughts? Is this sort of relationship safe?
“I’m afraid not. Even putting aside any moral or ethical concerns we might have, it is clear that close proximity to a zombie, even one harnessed in the way Daniel is, cannot ever be considered safe. And intimate contact brings with it its own risks; although we believe the virus is only transmitted through a direct bite we just don’t know for sure. Given that uncertainty, we must assume that any kind of exchange of bodily fluids will pose an equal, if not greater, risk.”
So zombie sex cannot be safe sex?
“No, I don’t believe it can and these so called Z-Bars are promoting very dangerous behaviour.”
But we know now that a zombie bite is not always fatal, that many people are immune to the infection. Surely, for those people, and Elizabeth may be one of them, a relationship with a zombie cannot do any harm?
“We have to look beyond the personal safety aspects of this type of relationship. The zombie plague is contained for the time being, but even if the young woman in question is immune, she may become a carrier herself and spread the infection further. There is also the matter of an unwanted pregnancy.”
But a zombie is dead, surely they can’t reproduce?
“Clearly there is some biological reflex still present. None of the zombies we have tested so far have been fertile but our knowledge of zombie physiology is limited at best.”
Ms Thomas, you’re shaking your head, I take it you disagree.
“Absolutely. Professor Worthing is correct when he says our knowledge of zombies is limited and that’s exactly why we should be tolerant of this type of relationship. It’s not clear what the risks are, there may, in fact, be no risk at all.”
So we should assume it’s safe until proven otherwise.
“Yes. As human beings, tolerance should be our first instinct.”
You devoted several chapters of your book to discussing these types of relationships and you’ve spent time with women like Elizabeth. What drives them? Surely, a good man can’t be that hard to find, no matter what they say?
“While that may be true for many women, for some it can be difficult to find the right man. And for some of those women, a zombie companion is a good option.”
“Companion? How can you call that…that monster a companion?”
“Clearly he provides companionship for Elizabeth.”
“Nonsense. That’s ridiculous.”
Okay, Mrs Green, you’ve been directly affected by the zombie plague, as have many people, so how do you see this type of relationship?
“It’s not a relationship, it’s an abomination, a perversion.”
Those are strong words.
“They are the words of all good Americans. This is an unholy union and I pray that one day, Elizabeth will see the light and denounce this perverse lifestyle. Before it costs her her life and the lives of those around her.”
In your role of spokesperson for Mothers Against Zombies, you’ve been campaigning to make cohabitation with a zombie illegal.
“That’s right, I have and we’ve made good progress. The President himself has expressed concern at the behaviour of these people.”
But what do you say to Elizabeth, she’s an ordinary young woman, looking for friendship.
“I’m sorry that she cannot find a decent man. I have every sympathy for minorities like the homosensuals, but I draw the line at this. This is a sin against God and a risk to the health of the nation. It must be stopped.”
“Mrs Green, your attitude is typical of many Americans I interviewed for my book, but if history has taught us anything it’s that in the face of prejudice, love will find a way.”
That raises an interesting question, Elizabeth, is this love?
“Yes, it is. I know it seems strange to some people but I do love him, and I really believe he loves me. In his own way.”
“Missy, don’t be ridiculous. How can he love you, he’s dead. His face is rotting away.”
“I can tell by the way he behaves when we’re alone.”
He certainly seems agitated at the moment, can we get someone in there to restrain him? We can? Okay.
Closing thoughts. Professor Worthing?
“As a scientist and as a father, I cannot condone this type of behaviour. These women are paying significant amounts of money to risk their lives and their actions could have serious ramifications for the rest of the world.”
Ms Thomas?
“It’s time we stopped looking at the mortality-challenged as a threat, even the use of the word plague is an insult. Instead we should think of them as an opportunity. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Daniel is becoming more agitated as the verbal attacks on his partner increase. If he can feel love, and I believe he can, perhaps there are other ways we can integrate Daniel and his kind into society.”
An interesting thought, one last comment, Mrs Green?
“Zombies are a menace and liberals like Ms Thomas are putting this country at risk. They have no practical use and to think otherwise is insanity. As for Elizabeth and her so called partner, I can only pray that she sees the error of her ways before it’s too late. I’d also like to…”
I’m sorry, Mrs Green, I’ll have to stop you there. We’ve just got time for one final comment from Elizabeth.
Elizabeth…Can you hear me?
It seems they’re having some technical difficulties in London so we’ll leave it there.
All that remains is for me to thank my guests, Professor Worthing from the University of Washington, Anne Thomas, author of “Zombies: Someone You Knew?”, Mrs Constance Green, spokesperson for Mothers Against Zombies and Elizabeth and Daniel, human-zombie couple.
Thank you for watching and join us again tomorrow for part four in this series – Zombies: Nature or Nurture?
[Free Fiction – Love in the Age of Zom-boys by Philip Harris first appeared on Solitary Mindset on 20th October 2024]